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I picked up this book (or rather, downloaded it for my Nook) on the recommendation by a couple of moms in my local moms' group. It also has very high reviews on amazon.
The basic idea behind this book is that to raise a smart and happy kid, there are two main things to do: develop empathy in yourself and your child and teach your child that emotions are okay and how to appropriately respond to them (rather than push them aside). I bookmarked a few pages that I wanted to remember, so I'll quote some sections from the book and add my thoughts.
"Exploratory behavior--the willingness to experiment, to ask extraordinary questions of ordinary things--is a talent highly prized in the working world." A study that looked for a common characteristic in people who were considered innovative executives and found that the biggest common denominator was "a willingness to explore." One of the lead authors of that study is quoted in a discussion about children: "'If you look at 4-year-olds, they are constantly asking questions. But by the time they are 6 1/2 years old, they stop asking questions because they quickly learn that teachers value the right answers more than provocative questions. High school students rarely show inquisitiveness. And by the time they're grown up and are in corporate settings, they have already had the curiosity drummed out of them.'"
One of the most important qualities that I think a person should have is curiosity. I think that the exploratory behavior is a part of that and this study shows just how important that is. So does my own experience as well as the lack of curiosity that so many people seem to have, especially my students. What I wanted my students to learn most of all was how to ask questions of literary texts and how to ask questions of their own writing. I approached my comments on papers and discussions in the classroom that way in the hope that by seeing me model the question asking, they would be able to start doing it themselves. It happened sometimes, but frequently it was just not working. Students seemed to want to know what questions I wanted to ask and then which answer was right. And in the world of writing and literature that just isn't how it works, or at least not how it's supposed to work. There isn't really a right answer. It's all about exploration. So I want to make sure that Luke is always able to ask questions and explore and not just feel like he has to come up with the right answer that the teacher (or I) want.
"Human learning in its most native state is primarily a relational exercise."
One aspect of this book is to explain just how important human contact and relationships are to a child's development. Children learn a lot more through interaction with actual people and a lot less through things like watching "educational" videos.
"There are four nutrients you will want in your behavioral formula, adjusting them as your baby gets older: breast-feeding, talking to your baby, guided play, and praising effort rather than accomplishment."
I've already got the first two down, although I do need to remember to do the second more. I'm by nature a more quiet person so I have to actively think about verbalizing to Luke as we're doing things throughout the day. By guided play, Medina means imaginary free play but with some help; for example, if the child is pretending to be an astronaut, you might ask questions about how an astronaut might react in certain situations.
The last one is something that I need to think about. I understand where he is coming from: a child who is just told all the time "you're so smart" can get the idea that because he's naturally talented, things come easy to him. But when something doesn't come easy, he gives up more quickly or gets discouraged because he hasn't built up how to deal with those situations. Instead, if you praise the effort ("you studied really hard for that test, which is why you got an A"), then children are more likely to keep trying, keep putting in effort, if something is difficult. I can see this in my own life. I was always told that I was smart and I'll admit that sometimes when things got more difficult (such as calculus), I gave up quickly rather than spend another hour trying to figure out a problem. If I couldn't get it right away, then I just wouldn't be able to get it. But I also have an issue with the effort idea because I've run into people who feel that as long as they've made a good effort, they should get a good grade (or whatever other reward). And although effort is definitely important, you also need to show competency. So I want to make sure to get a balance in there: effort is important, but the effort itself is not the end all of it.
"Brain research tells us there are also several toxins: pushing your child to perform tasks his brain is not developmentally ready to take on; stressing your child to the point of a psychological state termed 'learned helplessness'; and, for the under-2 set, television."
The last one is the easiest as we're already doing that: no TV for Luke until he's at least 2 years old. The other two are ones that I'll need to remember. As happy as I am to see Luke hit developmental milestones, I need to try to make sure that he's doing it on his schedule and not because I think he should be doing it and pushing him to it.
With regard to the current trend of texting: "Real-life experiences are much messier than life on the Internet and not at all anonymous. Flesh-and-blood people touch each other, get in each other's way, and constantly telegraph information to each other in a fashion not easily reformatted into emoticons and cute three-letter abbreviations. [...] A great deal of asymmetry can be averted through the correct interpretation of nonverbal cues. The less practice humans get at it, the more immature their social interactions are likely to be."
This makes sense. The more we talk to people through screens and less in person, the less developed are our abilities to be able to read facial expressions and body language. I don't want Luke to be left out of what his peer group is doing, but I also don't want him to interact with a screen all day. I'll have to see what the social landscape and technology is like when he gets older and try to determine what might be most helpful to balance this.
"'The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.'"
This is the key to happiness: having solid friendships. To help Luke be happy in life, I need to help him learn how to make friends. This is a large part of the sections about developing empathy in this book.
"There is no such thing as a bad emotion. There is no such thing as a good emotion. An emotion is either there--or it is not. These parents [those who raise well-adjusted happy children] seem to know that emotions don't make people weak and they don't make people strong. They only make people human."
The idea here is to not let children think that some emotions, such as happiness, are good and others, such as anger, are bad. Allow the child to feel emotions. What you should teach instead is the actions that should be taken. So for example, it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit your sister because you are angry. Also, the ability to label a particular emotion is apparently extremely important. So help your child give a name to the emotion he is feeling.
"Be willing to enter into your child's world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling."
This is part of helping your child learn how to handle the emotions he is feeling and also how to empathize with others because he sees you modeling this empathy.
"There may be as many different types of playrooms as there are families, but every one of them should have the following design element: lots of choices. A place for drawing. A place for painting. Musical instruments. A wardrobe hanging with costumes. Blocks. Picture books. Tubes and gears. Anything where a child can be safely let loose, joyously free to explore whatever catches her fancy. [...] I am focusing on artistic pursuits because kids who are trained in the arts tend to resist distractions better, stay focused better, and have better score on fluid intelligence tests."
This is part of helping them with the guided free play.
"If you also create a set of rules and enforce them with consistency and warmth, you have virtually everyting you need to start your parenting journey."
When Luke gets older, we need to sit down and come up with rules and actually write them out. We need to also develop the consequences for breaking a rule and make sure that every time that rule is broken, the consequence occurs. And my husband and I need to be on the same page. Consistency seems to be the biggest key.
He mentions the Tools of the Mind program (http://www.mscd.edu/extendedcampus/toolsofthemind) several times, so that's something I want to look into.
All in all this book was quite nice and I got a lot of helpful information out of it. It's also nice that Medina says that he knows that parents are in the real world and no parent can truly do all of this perfectly 100 percent of the time. Even if it is just 30 percent of the time, it will make a really big difference in the child's life. So it's a relief to know that it's okay to not have to constantly make sure I'm doing everything "right" and that it's okay to make mistakes. And truly, that's something that I want Luke to learn because I think that learning through making mistakes is more important than never making any mistakes at all. Because who could really live that way?
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